


quarantine time at home

by bobaisbest



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, quarantine fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:42:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25741522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobaisbest/pseuds/bobaisbest
Summary: It’s like high school summer all over again.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 42
Kudos: 278





	quarantine time at home

Flying makes him sick.

Frankly, it’s always been bad and maybe that’s because Doyoung just hates planes. He’d like to say that’s the reason he hasn’t visited home in so long, but Doyoung is many things and a liar isn’t one of them.

Jeno’s graduation, he thinks. That would have been a good time to come back. A perfect time, actually, but his brother is just a college sophomore and Doyoung is boarding this plane anyways. He hadn't planned on it. No one had planned on any of this, actually. Who anticipates a worldwide pandemic? Certainly not his roommate, who was in Bangkok when the whole thing broke out. 

_ I don’t think I’m coming back for awhile. _

Doyoung can’t say he was surprised. Ten’s whole family is over there.  _ Yeah, they’re letting me work remote,  _ he continued, and Doyoung knew it was a lost cause from there.

Jungwoo was next.  _ My father is worried about me,  _ he said, and everyone gave their communal agreement because it was true. Jungwoo’s parents are always worried about him. Then it was Taeil, followed by Kun. Even Sicheng tapped out eventually.  _ I just don’t feel safe in the city,  _ he texted, justifying a four hour drive into the suburbs to crash with his little cousin’s family.

Even if they all stayed, it’s not like Doyoung could have seen them anyways. The sidewalks outside were ghost towns and he even dreaded going to the grocery store. Spring had just begun but the weather was already warm. Doyoung felt like he could suffocate inside his mask. No, he didn’t really want to come back, but he hates the alternative more. It’s like the whole city had emptied itself out in a matter of days and in the darkness of their empty living room, Doyoung found himself thinking that he was about to go crazy.

Jeno had suggested it first, which made it easy for Doyoung to reject the idea. But then, in a rare act of betrayal  _ (it’s for your own good— and mine!),  _ his brother had complained over the phone to their mother, which blew it up into a conversation that Doyoung really couldn’t avoid.

Doyoung does not hate going back, although he certainly does avoid it. The house he used to call home is nothing more than someone else’s home now. Of course, it will still feel familiar, in its ivory walls and ancient ventilation system, but the Doyoung that had once lived there feels like someone far away. Someone he has not been in a very long time. Plus, he’s positive that he’d just end up staying in his bedroom all day. A bedroom which, now that he thinks about it, doesn’t exist anymore.

Doyoung’s parents had kindly kept his room the same when he left for college. Everything in there remained untouched, like a museum, welcoming him back when he visited during holidays and summers. Eventually, though, Doyoung had insisted they get rid of it. There’s a thousand good uses for a room like that and a bedspace for a son that’s moved out isn't one of them. They complied, because Doyoung’s parents are considerate but not stupid, and the room where Doyoung spent his childhood nights is now a newly furnished home office.  _ They should thank me,  _ he thinks.  _ Dad loves that office and I’m never home. _

And then he realizes:  _ but I have nowhere to sleep. _

A stewardess walks down the aisle to check their seatbelts. They will be taking off soon.

Doyoung closes his eyes.

  
  
  


Taeyong looks exactly the same, which is not saying much because they had video chatted just last week. But long-distance friendships are not easy and every time Doyoung sees him in the flesh, it feels strangely unreal. Like a hologram that would disappear if he tried to touch it. Or maybe that’s just Taeyong’s perfect complexion.

“When is Jeno getting his license?” Taeyong complains, offering no help as he idly watches Doyoung load luggage into the trunk. “I’m not your personal driver. Are you going to pay me?”

Doyoung rolls his eyes. His best friend is such a bitch, but Doyoung realizes by now that he only attracts the company he deserves and it wouldn’t be far off to say that there was something inside him that was also petty and mean at times. 

“I would take you out for a meal,” he offers. “If the restaurants were open.”

Taeyong sighs heavily, because it’s not like they need a reminder of what’s going on. But it’s actually all they’ve been talking about, so he doesn’t point it out either.

“Get in the car,” he says instead. “I’m fucking exhausted.”

Picking up someone from the airport, especially when it’s an hour away, is an act of love all on its own. A grand favor typically reserved for parents and significant others, none of which Doyoung has right now because his mother and father happen to be stuck in Seoul at the moment. So the burden had lay with the next best in line and Taeyong was never one to shy away from duty, despite begrudgingly.

“How’s Johnny?” Doyoung asks, attempting to make meager conversation in this tiny car as Taeyong rushes down the highway in an attempt to get home as soon as possible. It’s almost midnight, perks of taking a cheap flight, but Doyoung doesn’t feel too bad because he knows Taeyong would’ve been up at this hour anyways.

“He’s fine. We’re fine. I never thought I’d ever get tired of sex, but I think we’re almost reaching that point.”

Doyoung whistles. “Wow, already?”

“Oh, shut up,” Taeyong scoffs. “If you had a boyfriend, I know you’d be going at it like rabbits too. Or bunnies, I should say.”

“Well, I certainly wouldn’t say it like that,” Doyoung frowns. It used to be cute when people called him a bunny, but he’s not too sure how he feels about it now. His ex used to call him  _ bunny.  _ So did Jaehyun.

“I’m surprised it took you this long,” Taeyong says. “Your office mandated remote work last month. Why didn’t you come back then?”

“I didn’t see a point,” Doyoung simply replies. Outside the window, streetlights flash by and Doyoung has half a mind to count them as they speed down the road.

“Well, it’s good that you’re here,” Taeyong continues. “Everyone’s back, basically. Mark, Yuta, Taemin, you know—” he leaves some names out but Doyoung doesn’t really blame him, “—pretty sure I saw Jongin at Target the other day.”

“That’s great,” Doyoung mutters, not meaning to sound sarcastic but it comes out like that anyways. “It’s like high school summer all over again.”

Taeyong flexes his grip on the steering wheel and Doyoung can’t tell if it's because he’s nervous or just focused on driving faster.

“Yeah,” Taeyong replies. “It really is.”

  
  
  


After Taeyong had delivered him and then zoomed off into the night, presumably to go have sex with his boyfriend, Doyoung promptly changed his clothes and fell asleep on the living room couch. It was incredibly uncomfortable and his skin also looks like shit, which is an unrelated consequence of all the stress he’s got bottled inside. But it’s fine because there is no one for Doyoung to impress around here. The only other person in this house is Jeno. Or so he thought.

“What the fuck are  _ you _ doing here?” Doyoung asks, staring incredulously at two people sitting at the kitchen table when there should only be one.

“What are you talking about?” Donghyuck says, casually buttering his toast as if he owns the damn place. “I live here.”

Doyoung feels his blood pressure rise.

Donghyuck as a concept has always deeply bothered him. Jeno is a pretty sweet kid, which means that his friends typically follow suit in a similar manner. But then Jeno went to college, where he met Donghyuck, whose parents live in Korea. And Donghyuck, who didn’t really have anywhere else to go (at least in this country) had left campus with Jeno. And is now staying here. In this house. With them. Indefinitely.

“Are you fucking serious?” Doyoung almost seethes. “I flew all the way back to play babysitter for—” he gestures to Donghyuck, “—this demon over here?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Donghyuck winks.

_ “Doyoung,”  _ Jeno pleads. “You would’ve come back for me anyways. Donghyuck doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He’s staying in my room and we’ll stay out of your way, I  _ promise.” _

Jeno doesn’t even have to pull out the puppy eyes for Doyoung to crumble into pieces. That’s just his default state of being: soft for his cute little brother whose eyes disappear behind every crescent smile. Yeah, Jeno is a really sweet kid. Doyoung just wishes he wouldn’t make friends with literal devil incarnates.

“Well, I don’t really have a choice,” Doyoung says, narrowing his eyes towards Donghyuck. “I’ll be working from home in dad’s office. Just—” he pinches the bridge of his nose, “—try to keep it down, alright?”

“Sure,” Donghyuck smiles. “We’ll try.”

The way he said it gave Doyoung no such reassurance but true to their word, Donghyuck and Jeno indeed did their best to stay out of Doyoung’s way. They were always cooped up in the basement anyways, playing video games or watching television. There’s only so much you can do when going outside is not the safest of options.

Plus, their schedules don’t match up anyways. The boys are basically comatose during Doyoung’s waking hours, which is puzzling because campus is shut down but school is by no means over. But then he realizes that they’re probably just procrastinating like any sensible college student. While their home certainly lacks the alcohol and freedom that college usually affords, Doyoung figures that Jeno and Donghyuck are certainly not missing out on the experience of submitting a quiz at three in the morning.

So, in a way, it’s very easy for all of them to stay out of each other’s way. Doyoung knows that Donghyuck doesn’t like him either. Thinks he nags too much, is too mean, and couldn’t possibly be related to someone as sweet and nice as Jeno. But at the end of the day, this is Doyoung’s house (well, his parent’s house). Besides, he wouldn’t even be here in the first place if it weren’t for Jeno and his big fat mouth, blabbing to their mother about the fact that Doyoung neglected to come home for Christmas last year.

Doyoung’s bliss, or at least the desperate version of it that he orchestrated in his mind, lasts no longer than a week. Because after a week comes the weekend. And Doyoung might not have work today (although he was considering logging on later to get some extra work done), but the boys also have no school. No online lectures to attend, no essays to write, and no homework to finish. Doyoung anticipates it beforehand, because nothing good ever lasts for him.

“Hyung?” Jeno says, knocking softly on the door. Doyoung puts down his phone and starts rubbing his temples.

Jeno only calls him  _ hyung  _ when he wants something. It doesn’t happen often, but Jeno has always known that the best way to coerce his brother is to turn on the charm. And Doyoung, unfortunately, has always been a sucker for being shown respect.

“What do you want?”

Doyoung’s tone is not friendly, but Jeno knows his brother well. This is basically an invitation.

“Can you drive us to Jaemin’s?”

If Donghyuck is Jeno’s college best friend, then Jaemin is the one he’s still saved from high school. The three of them get along unbelievably well, which Doyoung finds incredulous because never in his life has he been able to seamlessly blend his high school and college friend groups as well as Jeno has.

“No,” he replies in a heartbeat. “What happened to social distancing?”

“None of us have left our homes for the last three weeks,” Jeno argues. “Jaemin hasn’t even gone to the store. They get their groceries delivered.”

“It’s still a risk,” Doyoung points out, crossing his arms.

“But mom said it was okay. Do you even check KaTalk?”

Oh, right.

_ [4:46 AM] Of course honey, have fun at Jaemin’s _

Fuck.

“Alright, fine,” Doyoung says. If he refused, Jeno would surely complain to their parents and then Doyoung would really never hear the end of it. “Go, then. Why can’t you walk?”

Donghyuck pops his head through the door, indicating that he’s been here the whole time.

“It’s hot outside,” he reasons. “We don’t want to walk.”

“It’s April,” Doyoung deadpans, gesturing to the window. Outside, the sun is out and birds are singing their Saturday morning choruses. It’s the perfect kind of day to not be bothered by his brother and his demonic friend, but the universe clearly has different plans.

“Okay, it’s April,” Donghyuck agrees. “How does that change the fact that it’s hot outside?”

“It’s a ten minute drive. Can you please just take us?” Jeno asks.

“Uh, can you please get your fucking license?” Doyoung says.

This makes Jeno pout, which is the exact moment Doyoung relents, because the goal here is to avoid trouble, not make it. Although, visiting Jaemin’s house can also be interpreted as basically asking for it. Doyoung tries not to think about it as he grabs the car keys.

“Get ready in five,” he huffs. “Or I’m leaving without you.”

  
  
  


Jaemin’s mother has always been friendly. Gorgeous too, which is unsurprising given how her sons turned out. It is inevitable that Doyoung would be invited in, no matter how much he tries to out-polite her.

“I shouldn’t,” he insists, bringing both hands up. “I have to go home and, um—”

Fuck, it was a lot easier to come up with excuses when there wasn’t a pandemic plaguing the world.

“Go home and what? Do laundry?” she jokes. “Just come in for a bit and have some snacks.”

“Oh, alright,” Doyoung relents, because mothers are persistent and he’s not trying to initiate a standoff on their front porch.

“I’ll get you some water, dear. I haven’t seen you in eons!”

“Yes,” Doyoung mutters as he follows her inside. “You and everyone else.”

He deposits himself at the kitchen table, a seat he hasn’t occupied in years. Jaemin’s mother places a bowl of fruit in front of him, brandishing a second bowl in her arms.

“I’m going to take this to the boys,” she says, pointing to the basement. “Be right back!”

And then she disappears, leaving Doyoung alone in this quiet, tidy kitchen. He eats exactly one slice of Korean pear before the reality of the situation hits him like a bag of bricks.

He needs to leave. There’s a reason he hasn’t been around this house in so long. It’s not a death sentence, but Doyoung likes to run from the past as if he’s some criminal, so this comes pretty close. He needs to get out of here before he’ll inevitably run into…

“Doyoung, what are you doing here?”

It takes him a moment to register where the voice is coming from. Doyoung draws his attention to the staircase, oddly familiar, because it’s a staircase which he’s run up and down many times as a teenager. At the top of it stands Jaehyun, effortless and casual with an untamed head of bed hair. Black shirt and basketball shorts. There’s no other outfit that screams  _ Jaehyun _ as much as that.

But here’s the kicker: he’s wearing  _ glasses.  _ Since when the fuck did Jaehyun wear glasses? They’re not for fashion, that’s for sure. Switching t-shirt colors is what Jaehyun would consider to be an adventurous decision. He’s always had perfect vision too, or so Doyoung thought. Clearly something had changed, because here Jaehyun stands, in all his unkempt glory, scrunching his nose cutely to keep the thin metal frames balanced on his nose. Something inside Doyoung shrivels up like dead leaves in the autumn.

“Um— I drove Jeno here,” his mind stalls.

“Oh, that’s nice of you,” Jaehyun comments, slowly beginning his descent down. He’s probably searching for some breakfast, which is perfect because there’s a bowl of fruit on the table that Doyoung doesn’t plan on finishing.

“Well, I better leave—” he says, standing abruptly. “Work has been busy, you know. I should probably get back before something comes up—”

It’s Saturday.

“Alright,” Jaehyun smiles. His dimples peek out. “I’ll let you get back then.”

From this angle, Doyoung can see just how much Jaehyun hasn’t changed. Pale face, with his hair colored that honey brown. Lean torso, and the way he lets Doyoung get away with every white lie imaginable.

It’s like an old memory, so familiar that if Doyoung just reaches out to touch, they would instantly be eighteen again, breathless and unspoiled. The skies would be clear and Doyoung would still have those old pictures taped up on the wall of his old bedroom.

But then there’s those fucking  _ glasses,  _ reminding Doyoung of what year it exactly is. They’re like those TV show characters that are the opposite of well-thought-out, with appearances slightly altered to demonstrate how much time has really passed. Jaehyun is the same and also not the same at all. Doyoung should go.

“Goodbye,” he says, pausing for a split second when he reaches for the door handle. “It’s— um, good to see you.”

It’s not, but he might as well be polite.

“You too,” Jaehyun smiles, and Doyoung hates that he can hear the honesty in his voice.

“See you around.” He probably won’t.

And then Doyoung leaves, trying not to think about it too much as he drives all the way home.  _ Jaehyun looks well,  _ he thinks.  _ But that doesn’t concern me. _

Doyoung is many things and a liar isn’t one of them. But with Jaehyun, everything just changes.

  
  
  


In high school, Jaehyun had a girlfriend. She was very pretty in a girl-next-door kind of way and they looked quite good together in the school hallways. She smiled like spring daisies and liked to wear dresses in the summer. For some reason, Doyoung can’t seem to recall her name.

At the time, Taeyong had jokingly referred to Doyoung as  _ the other woman _ whenever that relationship came up in conversation. The term made Doyoung scowl, but now that years have passed and he’s become rather distanced from the whole experience, he realizes that Taeyong had been sort of right. It was undeniable that they had split up because of Doyoung.

It wasn’t even his fault, really. Just a slip of the tongue. He didn’t even know that she didn’t know. She was Jaehyun’s  _ girlfriend _ for fuck’s sake, was Doyoung so wrong to assume?

Doyoung remembers that Jaehyun had been sick. Senioritis came down hard that year with college applications on the forefront of everyone’s minds. It was unfortunate that Jaehyun fell ill so early in the semester. 

Doyoung saw her sitting by herself and he felt bad. He’d normally bother Taeyong at this hour, but she just looked so lonely in the busy cafeteria. None of her friends had this free period and Jaehyun was gone. Doyoung figured he’d be nice and keep her company, because they were amicable (but not exactly friends— for some reason, it had been quite hard to cross that boundary with her).

“Hey,” he said, sliding into the seat across from her. “How are you?”

“Hi,” she said, perking up just a little. “I haven’t seen you all summer.”

“You haven’t seen anyone all summer,” Doyoung clarified as he stabbed a fork into his cafeteria pasta. “Europe looked super fun.”

“Ah, yes,” she said, bending her head down in a slight blush, and Doyoung remembers thinking that she looked very cute.

“But don’t worry,” he continued. “I kept Jaehyun company while you were away.”

Now that he looks back, the statement came out rather condescending. Like a best friend asserting dominance over her in terms of closeness to Jaehyun. But Doyoung didn’t mean it that way. He truly didn’t. Jaehyun wasn’t even his best friend, because that had always been Taeyong. Jaehyun was just— well, his friend. His really, really close friend.

“Well, thank you for that,” she said. “What about you? The Pride march looked really fun.”

“It was,” Doyoung replied, smiling at the memory in fondness. It had been hot and sunny. Jaehyun was very bright that day, waving a bisexual pride flag with all the strength in his body. “It was honestly great. You should come next year, especially since it means so much to Jaehyun.”

The smile dropped off her face. It happened so fast that Doyoung couldn’t even process what he had said wrong. Did he even say anything wrong?

“I thought Jaehyun went for  _ you,”  _ she said. “Because, you’re, you know—”

Her speech tapered off there and it all became so very awkward.

“Yes, I’m gay. But Jaehyun is also…well, you know—”

Doyoung would’ve laughed at the frankness of his statement if he wasn’t sitting across from someone who looked like they were on the verge of a breakdown. Or a break-up. It might’ve been both.

She looked down at the table.

“No, I didn’t know.”

It was quiet for a long moment.

“Excuse me,” she said, standing abruptly. “I think I have to go talk to Jaehyun.”

And then she got up and left, leaving her lunch completely untouched. Doyoung later heard from a classmate that she didn’t come back for the rest of the day.

When tomorrow rolled around, Jaehyun announced that he was no longer dating someone. If he had been sad, Doyoung would’ve asked him about it and they probably would’ve had a very long talk. But the truth was that Jaehyun didn’t look sad at all, so Doyoung never asked. And maybe that’s why friendship with Jaehyun felt so easy at the time. Because they didn’t have problems, or at least never talked about them.

It had been close to graduation anyways, so it’s not like the breakup itself had many repercussions. They were all too preoccupied, excited even though they knew they were going their separate ways. Honestly, it was her loss, but Doyoung did find himself, from time to time, feeling a little bad for— oh. He remembers her name now.

It must be the nostalgia, he thinks. People do weird things when they’re confronted with the past. Weird things like saying hello to old acquaintances at the grocery store after literal years of silence.

“Naeun,” he calls out.

She turns apruptly, silky black hair falling past her shoulders as she peers in acknowledgement. Even under the mask, Doyoung can clearly tell it’s her. He sort of wishes he had been wrong.

“Doyoung,” she greets, like she’s not surprised at all. No one seems to be surprised by anything these days. “You’re back in town.”

“Yes,” he replies, recalling what Taeyong told him last week. “Everyone is back.”

She swings her shopping basket from one hand to the other. Naeun always had a habit of fidgeting, which isn’t really that odd. What’s odd is that after all these years, Doyoung remembers, or even bothered to notice in the first place. It’s not like he’d ever been capable of feeling an ounce of attraction toward her. It’s more like he had been so attuned to Jaehyun that he also started picking up on small things regarding Naeun, which is definitely the strangest thing he’s realized all weekend.

“Have you seen anyone?” she asks. “I know people aren’t really leaving their houses, but I guess it’s a good time to catch up—”

Ah. The consequence of growing up in the same town is that there’s never someone truly unaware of your personal affairs. Naeun is a church girl after all. Gossip spreads fast, even if it’s got nothing exciting to offer.

“I haven’t really seen anyone,” he confesses. “Just Taeyong, and now you.”

“I see,” she nods, slowly but deliberately. “Me neither. Well, I guess Jaehyun picked me up from the airport.”

Naeun levels him with a steady gaze, but the mask makes it hard to read her expression. Doyoung can’t tell if she’s gauging his reaction or simply being polite. Perhaps it’s both, but Doyoung does his best to look thoughtful anyways.

“That was very nice of him,” he says blandly.

“It was,” she agrees, fiddling with her grip on the basket. “If anything, I’m glad we’re friends again.”

Doyoung finds that he's not even a little bit surprised. After all, Jaehyun was the one who had hurt her with his secrets. He should have been the one to chase after her with an apology, although what he really did was more of a weak offering. And she simply had not been ready to accept, which Jaehyun was more than fine with at the time. Now, it looks like they’ve made up, although Doyoung cannot say with confidence that he knows who started it first.

“I saw him the other day,” he adds unnecessarily. “Um— when I was driving Jeno over.”

She shoots him a funny look which, again, Doyoung can’t quite read because of the mask. But she  _ must _ know, he thinks to himself.  _ She must know that I haven’t spoken to Jaehyun in almost years. _

“Oh, yes,” Naeun finally says. “I keep forgetting that Jeno is your brother.”

Doyoung laughs at that, because maybe Donghyuck was onto something here. Maybe Doyoung really is just too awful to be related to someone like Jeno.

Naeun’s phone lights up then, nestled in her shopping basket amongst the bags of produce. Her eyes glance down and back up.

“I think my boyfriend is looking for me,” she says. “But it was good to see you, Doyoung.”

Oh, a boyfriend? Doyoung briefly wonders if it could possibly be Jaehyun before stamping out the thought. The likelihood of that is low, and it’s also none of his business.

“Well, it was good to see you too,” he says instead.

Naeun gives a curt wave before turning down the aisle. Doyoung quietly watches her go.

_ Strange,  _ he thinks, because he told her it was good to see her. And for some reason, it was actually the truth.

  
  
  


Doyoung is not a lazy person by nature. He mothers everyone constantly and just really likes to nag. But even with these sort of tendencies engrained in his heart, Doyoung finds that it’s starting to get really fucking annoying having to cook for three people a day. Jeno is hopeless in the kitchen and Doyoung will die before he lets Donghyuck near an open flame. In the back of his mind, the already small part of Doyoung that wanted to have kids withers even more.

Jeno and Donghyuck are still growing boys. These days, they ask Doyoung what he’s making for dinner before even bothering to greet him.  _ Donghyuck must be rubbing off on him,  _ Doyoung said whilst complaining to his mother over the phone about Jeno’s recent lack of manners.  _ Where did my sweet Jeno go?  _ he asked, and his mother had simply laughed at him before saying goodbye and hanging up.

_ Absolutely outrageous,  _ he fumes as he gathers the ingredients for kimchi jjigae.  _ I can’t believe they just expect me to— _

He glances down in the pantry. The bag of rice is empty.

“Fuck!” he nearly shouts, tossing the measuring cup into the sink with more force than necessary.

Jeno forgot to tell him they were out of rice. Now Doyoung has to run to the store, which is literally the last thing he wants to do.  _ If I get sick,  _ Doyoung thinks,  _ I am going to cough all over Jeno’s stupid face. _

It doesn’t hit him until halfway through the drive that he is probably going to run into somebody he knows. Just two days ago, he saw Naeun at the grocery store, out of all places. Now he’s going to the Korean mart, which is a hotbed for gossiping aunties. But what can he do? They fucking need rice.

It’s packed on a Wednesday night, for some peculiar reason. Like jeez, why are people out? There’s a pandemic out there, for fuck’s sake.

_ Please give me strength,  _ Doyoung prays as he tries to locate their usual brand of rice. People keep walking into the store and wow, wouldn’t it be absolutely ironic,  _ hilarious _ even, if against all odds, he happened to run into—

“Doyoung, is that you?”

Doyoung squeezes his eyes shut in frustration. Maybe it’s time he stopped believing in good karma.

“Jaehyun,” he says, turning around with a more appropriate expression. Then he drops the smile because it’s not like Jaehyun can even see it under his mask.

“Hey,” Jaehyun says, eyes crinkling in happiness. He’s got those fucking glasses on too.

A couple seconds of silence hang between them, though they seem to last like minutes. Doyoung scrapes his mind for a response or a comment, anything that’ll get him out of this dreadful moment. It’s been too long since he’s really talked to Jaehyun but it’s too late to back out of this conversation now.

“I thought you guys got your groceries delivered,” he blurts out. Not the smoothest thing to say, but it’s something, right?

“We do,” Jaehyun nods. “But there’s some things that we just can’t get from delivery, so I’ve been sent on a quest. We’re like, running out of gochujang and stuff.”

Doyoung looks at Jaehyun’s cart. It’s empty, which means he hasn’t started shopping yet. If Doyoung can just fucking grab his rice, then he can lug it to the register and make a swift exit. These conversations are honestly giving him a headache and it’s probably best to just cut things off right now—

“Do you need help?” Jaehyun says, gesturing to Doyoung’s empty hands. “We can shop together and catch up or something.”

Doyoung is thankful for the mask because his face immediately sours in mortification. It’s clear to him now; Jaehyun had started it all. First Naeun, and now he’s trying to do the same with Doyoung, which is foolish because there’s nothing even worth saving here.

“It’s okay, I’m just here for one thing,” Doyoung replies, making a show out of grabbing his bag of rice. It doesn’t go over too well, because the bag weighs twenty-five pounds and he nearly drops it on the ground. But it’s better than having to help Jaehyun pick out the right brand of red pepper paste.

“Oh— okay, cool,” Jaehyun says. “What are you doing next month then?”

What kind of fucking question is that?

“Next  _ month?” _ Doyoung asks, completely thrown off. “Um, I don’t know? Working?”

“Yuta is having this thing,” Jaehyun begins. “He says it’s been too long since he’s seen everyone.”

Doyoung raises a dubious brow, unsure if he should be alarmed or not.

“Like, a party?” he asks. “That doesn’t sound safe.”

“More like a hangout,” Jaehyun clarifies. “It’s gonna be like, six or seven people. Taeyong said he would invite you but I thought I’d jump the gun since you’re right here.”

Doyoung blinks, giving himself a moment to think. It’s no secret that Taeyong had remained friends with Jaehyun. He’s Johnny’s boyfriend after all, which groups them in close association based on the sole fact that Johnny and Jaehyun are bros for life (their words, not his). It’s honestly miraculous how Doyoung has been able to dodge Jaehyun for so long when they share so many friends, but moving to a different city might’ve had something to do with that.

It makes sense that they would ask Taeyong to extend this invitation. After all, he is the only one that Doyoung still regularly talks to. What doesn’t make sense is how straightforward Jaehyun is being about all of this, especially when they’ve given each other the mutual cold shoulder for more months than Doyoung can count. But he doesn’t really want to ask. They’ve always had a non-confrontational sort of dynamic, which is perhaps why their friendship fell apart so quickly.

“I guess that’s fine,” Doyoung replies. “If it’s in a month, everyone will have properly quarantined by then, right?”

“Oh, that’s another thing…” Jaehyun says. “Yuta just wants to be safe. Have you gotten tested yet?”

Doyoung wants to scream. This is beginning to sound like a conversation between two boyfriends discussing sexual safety. Except that it’s actually two almost-strangers talking about a respiratory virus. And to think that this all started because Jeno wanted to eat kimchi jjigae.

“I haven’t,” Doyoung answers. “Do we even have testing centers nearby?”

“We do,” Jaehyun replies. “Insurance should cover it.”

“I guess it shouldn’t be too hard then,” Doyoung says, contemplating how much trouble he’d have to go through just to attend Yuta’s little gathering. But he can practically visualize the look of disappointment Taeyong would give him if he ended up flaking. Doyoung doesn’t have that many friends and he would like to keep the ones he has happy, or at least minimally satisfied.

“Don’t worry, I haven’t gone either,” Jaehyun assures.

Doyoung shoots him a quizzical look. He is unsure of what to do with this unsolicited piece of information.

“We can go together,” Jaehyun offers. His intentions are now clear but to Doyoung, the sentiment behind it remains mysterious as ever.

It’s not that Doyoung doesn’t want to reconcile. He just doesn’t see a point. Every year, his life in this town becomes less and less. Of course there is still his family and as always, Taeyong. But other than that, there’s not much else at all. Doyoung likes his life now, likes where it’s at. After all this is over, he’s going to return to the city and go back to Friday night drinks with Jungwoo and Ten. Yes, he did miss Jaehyun’s smile, but he misses his downtown apartment more. He misses the creaky front door and Ten’s inability to do the dishes and above all, he misses his other friends. There’s no timeline as to when this will all end, but eventually, he knows, eventually he will go back to all of that. And what then? What will Jaehyun say then?

“Stop thinking so much,” Jaehyun interrupts. His expression is covered but Doyoung can see the mirth in his eyes. Jaehyun did always like to tease.

“Fine,” Doyoung snaps. “We can go get tested together.”

Jaehyun makes a surprised sound, as if he did not expect Doyoung to give in so easily.

“Great,” he says good-naturedly. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Sure,” Doyoung replies flatly.

Jaehyun beams back with an eye-smile.

_ Disappointing,  _ Doyoung thinks.  _ I can’t even see his dimples. _

  
  
  


“So you got yourself a little pharmacy date?”

Taeyong has the world’s smuggest look plastered on his face and Doyoung wishes his best friend wasn’t such a petty reflection of himself.

“It’s not a date,” he says, adjusting his mask as they get out of the car. “It’s more like a doctor’s appointment.”

“Even better,” Taeyong says as he locks the doors. “What kind of friend is willing to go to doctor’s appointments with you?”

“Johnny goes to the doctor’s with you,” Doyoung points out, immediately regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth.

“Yeah, because Johnny’s my  _ boyfriend,”  _ Taeyong replies. “Is Jaehyun your  _ boyfriend?” _

Doyoung wrinkles his nose in response. That question is so bizarre and absurd. No, of course not. Jaehyun is the farthest thing from a boyfriend. They are simply two estranged friends, somehow finding their way back to each other because Jaehyun, for reasons Doyoung can not fathom, wants to make up.

Doyoung thought about this, actually. He thought about this long and hard, texting his thoughts to Taeyong at three in the morning before being yelled at to go back to sleep or else work would be hell the next day (it was indeed hell the next day).

Here’s the thing: Jaehyun tries not to let it show, but he’s always been quite conscious of what people think of him. He’s somewhat of a perfectionist. It’s not an appearance thing, it’s just a Jaehyun thing. And on top of that, he also made a herculean effort to appear to be fine. It took years for Doyoung to see through the facade. But then it just became infuriating, seeing him act so calm when Doyoung  _ knew  _ things weren’t all okay.

Doyoung wonders where they would be if he spoke up back then. If he actually showed that he cared and asked Jaehyun if anything was wrong. Of course, there’s always the possibility that it would have made no difference at all, but sometimes, Doyoung just likes to indulge himself with the  _ what ifs. _

So that’s probably what it is. Jaehyun realized that there was yet another part of his life where things weren’t ~just peachy~ and now he’s set out to right all the wrongs. Doyoung is just another box on the checklist, another relationship to be repaired, so in the grand scheme of things, Jaehyun could pat himself on the back and say he was the bigger person.

And that’s a problem because here’s another thing: Doyoung is not something that needs to be fixed. He’s perfectly fine where he is and he’s perfectly fine  _ staying _ where he is, no better and no worse. It grates on his nerves to think that Jaehyun believes he could possibly change that, especially when they haven’t really been friends in  _ years. _

Taeyong, with that strange sixth sense that all best friends have, turns to Doyoung and flicks him right where his forehead wrinkles are.

“What are you thinking?” he says. “I can practically feel the malicious intent radiating from your whole body.”

“It’s nothing,” Doyoung mutters, redirecting their path on the trail. It takes them down a couple steps to the river, ducks floating in the stream as the sunset paints the water. Doyoung would find the scene quite beautiful if he wasn’t so wound up right now.

“Oh, this is so pretty,” Taeyong observes. “How come we’ve never come here before?”

Doyoung crinkles his brow in thought.

“Are you sure?” he asks. “I remember coming here when—”

He stops then, searching for memories that maybe don’t exist.

_ “Did _ we ever come here?” Taeyong wonders, looking contemplatively at the sky.

Doyoung thinks a bit harder.

“No.” There is a belated pause. “I came here with Jaehyun once.”

Then he closes his eyes and prepares himself for slaughter.

Taeyong doesn’t kill him immediately. He waits for a moment, because he’s awfully dramatic like that. If there wasn’t a mask in the way, he’d surely be making a stupid face too.

“Oh,” he begins slowly. “That’s just so  _ romantic.” _

Taeyong twists the word a certain way in his mouth.  _ Romantic,  _ he says, like this had been obvious from the beginning. It wasn’t. It never was. Doyoung was never in it for the romance, because Jaehyun was worth more than that. He’d always be worth more than that. But the way Doyoung feels matters little now that things have ended up the way they did.

He glares at Taeyong.

“Just shut the fuck up.”

“Don’t pull that shit with me,” Taeyong replies, and Doyoung can just tell that he’s about to be on the receiving end of a lecture because Taeyong is the meddling type of loser who hates it when his friends fight. Which is pathetic, because they’re not even fighting. Jaehyun is trying to be polite and Doyoung just feels like giving him a hard time.

“I’m not,” Doyoung insists. “People drift apart, okay? It’s not that deep.”

Taeyong fixes him with an icy stare. “Then why do you hate him so much?”

“I don’t hate him,” Doyoung disagrees. “I just think he’s a narcissistic perfectionist who I want nothing to do with.”

“God, you’re so fucking full of yourself—”

_ “I’m _ full of myself?”

“Did you ever think about—” Taeyong interrupts, “—why you might’ve been so fucking  _ jealous _ all the time?”

“Jealous?” Doyoung frowns. “I was never jealous.”

“Yes! Yes, you were! You’re obsessed!”

“I’m not obsessed! I don’t care about him at all!”

“Fine!” Taeyong bursts, throwing his arms up. “Then just let him say that he’s sorry!”

Sorry? Doyoung had never even considered the possibility of Jaehyun being the first to apologize. It just doesn’t make sense in his mind. Jaehyun was never one to say sorry. All he would have to do was smile a certain way and people would forgive him for whatever he did. He figures that’s how Jaehyun got away with so much in college, breaking hearts and coasting by like everything meant nearly nothing to him. And maybe that’s what Doyoung has been so scared of this whole time. Becoming nothing.

“Oh,” he says, colored with uncertainty. “Would he really do that?”

“I mean—” Taeyong tries, gesticulating his response into a hunched shrug. “Just think about it, okay?”

Doyoung thinks for a moment.

“Sure,” he says, still unbelieving.

And then they let it drop.

  
  
  


In college, Jaehyun started dating boys. This didn’t surprise Doyoung as much as it annoyed him, because Jaehyun seemed to have a penchant for going out with men who were clearly not good enough for him.

Jaehyun certainly doesn’t look like it, but Doyoung knows that he’s needy. He needs someone to take care of him, to look out for him. Not invite him out to frat parties and text him at two in the morning for a stress-relief fuck.

They were on the phone when Doyoung pointed this out. He never liked phone calls but an exception was made for Jaehyun, who insisted that he preferred listening to someone else’s voice. There was always an exception for Jaehyun, who went to a different school but still occupied a good chunk of Doyoung’s day. It felt seamless at the time. But in that moment, Doyoung had explicitly considered if he should revoke such a privilege.

It had been a precarious time for both of them, because college weighed down stressfully with the future unknown, and Jaehyun had taken Doyoung’s statement as an offense to his character. Which Doyoung found absolutely ridiculous because calling Jaehyun a slut was the last thing on his mind.

“What are you talking about?” Jaehyun said. “There’s nothing wrong with partying. I’m just having fun. You do the same thing.”

“No—” Doyoung argued, and then he didn’t have anything else to argue back with. Because Jaehyun was right. He was being petty and unfair.

Doyoung remembers how he felt during that conversation. He remembers scrambling for a response, anything to prove Jaehyun wrong, but turning up with absolutely nothing. The awareness felt ugly and it was a lie to say that he hadn’t felt it before. Doyoung had known, had known for a  _ while,  _ that a strange resentment had been brewing between them. But it was easier to let things remain stagnant than actually acknowledge the facts. For once, Doyoung wanted to act like he didn’t care. He did care, though. He cared way too much. But Jaehyun didn’t have to know that.

Doyoung did not say anything for a very long moment. The silence was palpable, even through the fuzz of the speakerphone.

“You aren’t going to say anything?” Jaehyun challenged. There was a tinge of irritation seeping into his tone and Doyoung felt a sick sort of satisfaction take over his thoughts.

Even at his worst, Jaehyun had always been so irritatingly calm. The day after Naeun broke up with him, he brushed off the worries like they had meant absolutely nothing to him. You’d sooner think she was a stranger rather than his high school sweetheart of a year and a half. Doyoung had always felt bad— and now he felt infinitely worse after knowing what it was like to be on the receiving end of the coldness. Jaehyun’s guise was nothing more than a shiny mirror and something terrible inside Doyoung wanted to shatter it so badly.

“No,” he finally responded. “I have nothing to say.”

And then the phone clicked as he hung up.

  
  
  


Jaehyun picks him up in a white Tesla with tinted windows and posh leather seats.

“So you’re a car person now,” Doyoung states, taking stock of the sleek vehicle he’s about to get into.

“No,” Jaehyun says, tapping his fingers on the wheel as he watches Doyoung get in. “It’s my dad’s. I just wanted to take it out for a spin.”

“Oh, then you’ve still got that beat-up Sedan?”

Jaehyun clicks his tongue disapprovingly.

“Hey, don’t badmouth that car,” he says. “It’s got good memories.”

It does. Doyoung’s lost count of how many times they drove to the beach in that old thing, the backseat filled to the brim with empty cups and McDonald’s receipts and a bunch of other random shit that Doyoung doesn’t remember throwing back there.

It was a hand-me-down from Jaehyun’s uncle, the paint chipped enough to bestow to a seventeen year old and not care if he went and got it wrecked. Not that Jaehyun was ever a reckless driver. Quite the opposite, actually. He was always so careful, going way too slow on neighborhood roads and pissing off anyone who made the mistake of copping a ride.

The first time they took it out for a drive, Jaehyun didn’t even have his driver’s license. It was summer, junior year summer to be exact, and Jaehyun wanted to do something  _ fun  _ or at least get out of the house for once. They cruised down the roads at two in the morning, tongues blue from 7-Eleven snow cones with Jaehyun’s learner’s permit shoved into the glove compartment. Doyoung stuck his hand out the window and thought his life would never end.

Now it’s all different. The car is more expensive and they’re a couple years older, practically different people at this point. But the weather is warm, Doyoung’s house looks the same, and something, just  _ something  _ about the mood tells Doyoung that this is all quite familiar.

“Yeah,” he agrees quietly. “It‘s got a lot of memories.”

-

The test itself is nasty. After it’s done, Jaehyun drives back and pulls into Doyoung’s driveway a little too fast. Doyoung has to take a moment, still reeling from the discomfort.

“Oh my god,” he says, tilting his head back while pinching his nostrils. “I think I’m going to have a nosebleed.”

“Are you alright?” Jaehyun asks, concerned. “You need a tissue or something?”

“I’m fine,” Doyoung says. “I’m just going to feel that nasal swab all  _ week.” _

Jaehyun laughs in response.

“Anything for Yuta, right?” he jokes. It falls kind of flat but Doyoung does have to agree that this is kind of ridiculous.

“I suppose,” he mumbles, eyes averting to check on the time.

It’s late afternoon. Doyoung told his boss he’d be gone for an hour and it’s already been two. If there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s how fast time seems to fly by when being with Jaehyun. That, and being forced to sit in a sterilized waiting room. Doyoung should probably go.

“I have to get back to work—”

“Wait,” Jaehyun says. Doyoung has no choice but to obey because suddenly, there’s a hand touching his, fingers wrapped around his wrist.

“Yes?” Doyoung asks, nearly bewildered.

Jaehyun fidgets for a moment, which Doyoung would find amusing if he wasn’t already so surprised. He’s never seen Jaehyun fidget.

“Can we talk?” Jaehyun asks. “Would that really be so bad?”

“Yes, because I have to go back to work. Don’t you have work too?”

“I took a day off for this.”

“Well, that was hardly necessary—”

“”Look, I’m not saying we should talk  _ now,”  _ Jaehyun interrupts. “Just later, or any time you’re free.”

Doyoung shoots him a questioning look, but he settles back into the passenger’s seat. Jaehyun’s hand is still gripping his.

“I know you’re avoiding me,” Jaehyun continues. “It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. But I know you don’t hate me either.”

“Did Taeyong put you up to this?” Doyoung asks, starting to feel irritated. “Because I swear—”

_ “No,”  _ Jaehyun says, looking at him like he’s crazy just for thinking that. “Taeyong didn’t say shit. He won’t even tell me what’s going on when I ask about you.”

“So he’s respecting my boundaries for once,” Doyoung bites back. “How sweet.”

_ “Doyoung,”  _ Jaehyun says, tone slipping into frustration. “I just wanted to say sorry, alright?”

The edges are cracking, much like the mirror that Doyoung wanted to shatter so badly in the past. He should honestly pinch himself, just to check if this is reality or some weird day dream that his subconscious has made up. But then Doyoung blinks and realizes that yes, this is all real. From the new-car smell to the living, breathing Jaehyun right in front of him, this is all too familiar and yet not at all.

“For what?” he manages to say. “What are you even saying sorry for?”

“Everything, I guess,” Jaehyun replies. “It was the little things that added up, you know?”

Apprehension sweeps across his face, like he’s not quite sure if Doyoung is even listening. How ironic that Jaehyun, who always tried to make a show of not giving a fuck, suddenly looks like he cares way too much.

_ It must be hard for him,  _ Doyoung thinks. It must be hard for him to break character so much. There are some things that look worse than getting teeth pulled, and watching Jaehyun swallow his pride is one of them.

“The little things,” he echoes. “I guess that’s true.”

“I know you don’t believe me,” Jaehyun goes on. “And I don’t know how many times you need to hear it, but I’ll keep saying it until you do. I’m really sorry.”

It would be a lie to say that the apology didn’t make him feel some type of way.

“Well,” Doyoung says, almost smiling. They don’t have their masks on, so he knows Jaehyun can see his ghost of a grin. “I could stand to hear it a couple more times.”

Jaehyun breathes a sigh of relief, running a hand through his hair, unstyled and in desperate need of a haircut.

“That’s great,” he says. “We could hang out in my house, since you hate having people over. Or, you know what? Do you remember when we went to the river the day we got our acceptance letters? That park was so pretty and honestly, Doyoung, I just—”

His eyes are bright and clear.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

The admission comes across like a slap in the face. Not in a bad way— just a surprise. Doyoung’s mind is still catching up, his body already miles ahead, heart pounding in his ears.

“Jaehyun, I—” he begins, and then tapers off when he looks into Jaehyun’s eyes.

“Yeah?” Jaehyun says, coming forward just a little.

This is too much. They’ve gone years without speaking and suddenly, they’re much too close. This must be breaking a million social distancing rules.

But Jaehyun doesn’t care, apparently. He leans over the center console and puts his arm around Doyoung’s shoulders, pulling him in for a hug.

“Oh,” Doyoung says, his face awkwardly shoved between Jaehyun’s neck and shoulder.

He can smell all of Jaehyun from here, warm and fresh and slightly of cologne. He forgot how comfortable this could be, how they used to be, and basks for a moment, slowly bringing his hands up to reciprocate the embrace.

And they just stay like that, soaking up the presence.

“Sorry, was that weird?” Jaehyun asks, pulling back when the feeling has subsided.

“It was a little bit weird,” Doyoung admits. “But I don’t really mind. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay,” Jaehyun smiles, and Doyoung can see all of his dimples this time.

He watches Jaehyun leave through the crack in the blinds, waiting until the car has left down the street to finish locking the door.

It’s a strange feeling, being picked up and dropped off when he’s more than capable of driving himself. Doyoung briefly wonders:  _ when was the last time someone drove me anywhere? _

_ It would be Taeyong, _ his brain supplies, picking him up from the airport almost a month ago while agreeing that  _ yeah, it’s like high school summer all over again.  _ Well, that statement ended up being true in more ways than one.

Doyoung laughs to himself, pausing in the foyer to stare down at his fingers, the phantom of Jaehyun’s touch still on his hands and shoulders. He tries to crush down his thoughts but it’s difficult.

Doyoung hasn’t thought about Jaehyun like this in a very long time. Or rather, he hasn’t allowed himself to. But sometimes, like today, it just happens. Jaehyun has a body that’s easy to think about. To sink into the thoughts at night. And he’s got one of those faces too. The way his lips looked when he said  _ I’ve been thinking about you. _

Doyoung feels his cheeks heat up. Jaehyun has always had one of those faces. Doyoung was just extra diligent about ignoring it back then. But there was just something familiar about him today. They could have been four years younger, giggling in the car after hanging out for the first time in months, exchanging crazy stories about what they witnessed at university. And then the sun would be setting, the edges of Jaehyun’s hair curling just right and— oh. Doyoung knows what it was.

Jaehyun didn’t wear his glasses today.

  
  
  


When they were in college, Taeyong had taken it upon himself to host an annual friendsgiving reunion. It was honestly such an overbearing thing to do but Doyoung eventually found a secret appreciation for it because it meant less effort on his part to reach out to all the friends who ended up at different schools. People like Baekyhun and Mark were so difficult to get ahold of and Doyoung knew he could always count on them to show up at Taeyong’s once a year in November.

This autumn was surely going to be awkward. Everyone was on the cusp of graduation, their lives laid ahead of them, and Doyoung knew he would have to see Jaehyun eventually. It’s funny to think (or maybe it’s not funny as all) how Jaehyun was one of the few friends Doyoung remained close to, despite attending a school several states away, and now Doyoung was relying on Taeyong’s dreadful get-together just to see him face to face.

As a general rule, Doyoung doesn’t like to stay hung up on things. However, it was hard to deny how much this had bothered him. The dangerous thing about long-distance friendships was that if you didn’t want to talk to them, then you didn’t have to. Communication could easily fall off, just like that, and there was always a chance that the drought would last forever.

Doyoung sat himself in Taeyong’s kitchen, watching guests trickle in as they drank the beer he set out and complimented the decorations he helped put up. It was packed, just the way Taeyong liked it, but not once had Doyoung managed to catch a glimpse of Jaehyun.

“Is he not coming?” he asked, nursing a cider as he watched Yuta and Sehun argue passionately about something sports-related. Doyoung wasn’t quite paying attention. He was more preoccupied by the fact that Jaemin was here but his brother was not.

“Who, Jaehyun?” Johnny said, shooting him a funny expression.

“Yeah,” Doyoung responded. “Wouldn’t he have come with Jaemin?”

Johnny looked at him for a moment, like he was trying to figure something out.

“Doyoung,” he said. “Jaehyun went abroad this semester.”

It took a moment for the shock to register. But after it did, it had felt like Doyoung’s voice was stolen away. He simply looked at Johnny, unable to say a single thing as the statement processed in his mind.

_ I’m not going,  _ Jaehyun had told him the last time they talked, an awkwardly stilted conversation that didn’t translate well at all over the telephone.  _ Korea would be super fun, but I want to stay for my last year. It’s not like we’re ever coming back to college, right? _

Right. Doyoung had wholeheartedly agreed. But somewhere down the line, Jaehyun changed his mind. And also apparently forgot to tell Doyoung that he decided to leave the fucking country.

“Oh,” Doyoung finally said, pushing the words out of his throat. “Seoul, right?”

“Yes,” Johnny replied, nodding slowly and deliberately.

Doyoung stared down at his drink and told himself that it didn’t matter.

“Well, he probably just forgot to tell me.”

It was clearly a lie, but Johnny just shrugged and Doyoung was thankful for his display of nonchalance. Johnny was always privy to Jaehyun’s side of things, just as Taeyong was to Doyoung’s. The collective knowledge they had as a couple was hilariously immense but from then on, Doyoung always refrained from asking either of them about Jaehyun. If there was something he needed to know, then Jaehyun could suck it up and tell Doyoung himself.

In an ideal world, this would have worked both ways. Perhaps Doyoung had stayed up too many nights wondering if Jaehyun ever thought of asking about him too. It would be easy, he knew, to send a text or dial his number. Jaehyun would have picked up, even with the time difference. That loser had such a fear of missing out that he almost never left his phone on silent.

But in the end, there had been nothing. Absolute silence stretched wide on both ends. Graduation came and went. Things picked up and life got busy. Sometimes, it was easier to just forget about it.

And so, slowly at first but then very quickly, they fell apart.

  
  
  


Sometimes, a breakup is not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes, it’s just a missed call. An unread message. A declined invitation, or maybe no invitation at all. Sometimes, it’s all of these things. And sometimes, it’s not even a breakup, because there was nothing there in the first place.

“Friends can have breakups,” Jungwoo argues. “Although, you and Jaehyun were probably more than just friends.”

“Really?” Doyoung frowns, staring inquisitively at the pixelated image of his former college roommate.

“Yes,” Jungwoo confirms, adjusting his webcam for a better angle. “You talked about him so much. Like, every fucking day, it was Jaehyun did this and Jaehyun did that. I genuinely thought he was your long distance boyfriend until you started complaining about Jaehyun’s actual boyfriends.”

“Because they were all shitbags,” Doyoung grumbles. “He deserved so much better.”

There’s a playful twinkle in Jungwoo’s eyes. “Then why didn’t you date him yourself?”

Doyoung wrinkles his nose and hopes that his mortification translates properly through the camera.

“Oh, please. You’re beginning to sound like Taeyong.”

Jungwoo perks up at that.

“Do I?” he says, smiling brightly. “You don’t find it weird that your high school best friend  _ and _ your college best friend are telling you the exact same thing? It’s almost like…” he trails off dramatically, “—we’re both  _ right _ or something.”

“There is no right or wrong in a situation like this,” Doyoung snaps. “There’s actions with consequences, and I’m trying my best not to incur any.”

“Well, that’s just dumb,” Jungwoo says, resting his chin on his hand. “Doing nothing has consequences too. Isn’t that why you guys stopped being friends?”

Doyoung absolutely hates that Jungwoo is right. Not that he’s ever going to admit that.

“How do you know so much when you’ve never even met him,” he mutters instead.

“Because he didn’t want to meet me,” Jungwoo points out, sounding too cheerful to be talking about possibly being hated by someone he’s never met. “Do you know how many times you tried to facilitate our friendship and how many times he cancelled last minute?”

“Because he was busy,” Doyoung frowned. Jaehyun had always been busy at the most inopportune moments. It’s not surprising that between his course load and plethora of social circles, Jaehyun didn’t exactly have time for Doyoung’s friends. It just never worked out, even during the holidays when Jungwoo stayed in their hometown.

Jungwoo just shakes his head.

“Doyoung, I know you think you’re good at seeing right through him, but I think Jaehyun was a lot more jealous than you originally assumed.”

Then he leans forward, loose hair flopping over his forehead. His roots are growing out, Doyoung can see that much from the screen.

“Just promise me you’ll meet him halfway.”

“Oh, that just sounds painful.”

_ “Doyoung—” _

“Okay!” Doyoung relents. “I promise.”

Jungwoo crosses his arms in response, which makes Doyoung pull a scowl.

“What, you think I’m lying?”

“Of course not,” Jungwoo laughs. “I just think you’re going to give yourself a hard time about it. But you’ll still do it because you’re Doyoung. You wouldn’t lie.”

And no, Doyoung can’t argue with that.

  
  
  


The first thing Yuta says when they walk into his house is:

“Wash your fucking hands, alright?”

“Nice to see you too,” Doyoung mutters, Jaehyun’s broad laughter ringing loud through the hallway as they head to the bathroom.

He’s wearing those glasses again, wire frames perched precariously in his nose, and Doyoung realizes that he never asked why he didn’t wear them the last time they met.

“I usually wear contacts,” Jaehyun explains, grabbing soda instead of a beer because  _ not today, guys— I drove today. _

“And when did that happen?” Doyoung asks. As far as he can remember, Jaehyun always had perfect vision.

“After I started working, actually,” Jaehyun says. “So, pretty recently.”

“Oh, what has the world come to,” Doyoung laments. “When even the perfect Jaehyun succumbs to near-sightedness.”

And that gets another laugh, not that Doyoung is keeping count or anything.

-

“I like hanging out with you, you know?” Yuta says, leaning back on the sofa. “You’re like, so chill.”

In his head, a Doyoung formulates multiple responses to counter Yuta’s absolute lie of a statement. But they all sound a bit too mean so he simply shifts into a deadpan and says,

“I’m depressed.”

“Yeah, see what I mean? So chill.”

Doyoung looks over and realizes that his friend is stoned out of his mind.

“Are you serious?” he says. “There’s a respiratory disease ravaging the world right now and you  _ smoked _ today?”

“Cut me some slack,” Yuta says, waving a slow, flippant hand. “Work’s been mad stressful these days.”

“I see,” Doyoung says. “Well, thanks a lot for sharing.”

“No hard feelings!” Yuta insists. “My stash has been running low ever since this whole thing started and it’s not like I can just, you know, go out and buy some.”

“I guess,” Doyoung sighs, watching Yuta get up to let in whoever’s at the front door (it’s Yukhei).

After the first drink, the night goes by much quicker. They’ve got a lot to catch up on after all. Doyoung hasn’t seen Mark since the kid graduated and the last time he really spoke to Yuta was— he can’t even remember at this point.

What he does remember is the fact that basically nothing has changed. Sure, they’re a little older, with weathered looks in their eyes, but they’re still the same people, just growing into new skin. Doyoung has isolated himself so much these past years that he simply forgot how easy it was to talk to people back home, or at least the ones he liked.

Things are loud and rowdy, seven boys crammed into a living room with snacks and adrenaline. If Doyoung closes his eyes, the air smells like every birthday party he attended as a child. He could honestly be eighteen again, secretly wishing with all his heart that Jaehyun went to the same university as him.

He’s not eighteen, though. None of them are. They’re still young, but not  _ that _ young, and neither are their alcohol tolerances. Doyoung has kept it fairly moderate all evening but his best friend did just the opposite.

“Hey, I’m drunk,” Taeyong says, wobbling slightly in his step. “So we’re gonna dip. And probably fuck. See you later.”

“What?” Doyoung remarks. “Are you serious? It’s still kind of early— wait, who’s going to drive me home?”

“I don’t know,” Taeyong shrugs. “Jaehyun drove, didn’t he?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“No,” Taeyong says, draining the last of his seltzer before free-throwing it into Yuta’s recycling bin. It misses completely. “Sorry, but can you get that for me? I don’t think I can bend down without falling over.”

“Sure,” Doyoung sighs, picking up the can and waving goodbye to the sight of Taeyong dragging Johnny out the house, one of them sober and the other completely trashed. 

-

The difficult part is asking for help. Not because it’s Jaehyun but because Doyoung hates asking for help, period. But he’s a beer and three vodka shots deep with no interest whatsoever in paying nine dollars for a Lyft. Sometimes, the events favor a certain current and Doyoung doesn’t really have enough strength to go against the tide.

“Hey,” he mumbles, tugging gently on the sleeve of Jaehyun’s loose shirt. “Can you drive me home?”

Jaehyun smiles at him with all his dazzling teeth.

“Of course I can drive you home. Just let me know when you want to go.”

“Maybe in like, an hour?” Doyoung says, watching Yuta drunkenly moderate an argument between Mark and Yukhei about whatever the fuck it is that they’re talking about.

“I’m telling you—” Mark disputes, red in the face as he opens up another White Claw. “Hot dogs are technically sandwiches.”

“That’s fucking stupid,” Yukhei retorts. “If we apply the same logic, then that means cereal can be considered a  _ soup—” _

“Actually,” Doyoung says. “Let’s leave right now.”

  
  
  


“Damn, you live like this?” Jaehyun warily eyes the air mattress, blown up in the middle of the home office.

“I don’t have a room anymore,” Doyoung explains, gesturing vaguely to their surroundings as he rubs his eyes. “It’s not that bad.”

Jaehyun sits down on the mattress, evaluating Doyoung’s statement.

“Sure,” he says dubiously. “Where are the boys? It’s kind of quiet.”

“They’re spending the night at your place,” Doyoung replies, collapsing into the spot next to Jaehyun. “Jaemin didn’t tell you?”

“I guess not,” Jaehyun says, shifting slightly. “Do you feel alright? Do you want me to—”

“Just—” Doyoung interrupts, placing a hand on Jaehyun’s arm, “—stay. Keep me company while I sober up.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun says, settling more comfortably. “Did you really drink that much?”

Doyoung shuffles for a moment, searching for a more comfortable arrangement. He ends up with half his face pillowed on Jaehyun’s shoulder, soft and warm through his black t-shirt. Typical.

“No, I didn’t drink much at all,” Doyoung replies, speaking straight into the fabric. He hopes Jaehyun doesn’t mind.

“I thought you were drunk?” Jaehyun says, making no such moves to remove Doyoung from his person.

“I lied,” Doyoung confesses. “I’m like, barely tipsy. I just wanted to talk.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun agrees. “So talk.”

Doyoung almost snorts at that. He’s trying to be nice but Jaehyun isn’t really giving him much to work with here. Some eye contact would be nice, right? Doyoung tilts his head up, drastically underestimating the distance between their faces, and finds himself staring straight into Jaehyun’s eyes for a terribly charged moment.

A thought flickers through his mind, something he hasn’t known for awhile, or maybe he had and simply did not realize it. And really, Doyoung should’ve known, from the beginning, that this was too dangerous. When he thinks, it shows on his face, honest and sincere like a book waiting to be read, and Jaehyun looks back at him like he knows something.

“What is it?” he asks.

Doyoung lifts his head from Jaehyun’s shoulder and looks away. “It’s nothing.”

“Tell me,” Jaehyun says, softer this time.

To be honest, Doyoung debates if he should lie in that moment. Just a little white lie, and Jaehyun would let him get away with it regardless. After all, he would just have to say  _ it’s nothing,  _ and Jaehyun would let it go just like that.

But he can’t. It feels almost indecent to do that to Jaehyun, who’s been more honest with Doyoung than Doyoung has been with him for years. And Doyoung is many things, but a liar isn’t one of them. That’s why he parts his lips and says,

“I think I still have feelings for you.”

Jaehyun’s mouth opens slightly, but nothing comes out. It’s as if his voice has been stolen out of him, which is a feeling that Doyoung is quite familiar with.

Around them, the world is dead silent. Doyoung is sure he could hear a pin drop. There is a stone in his throat. He cannot breathe and he cannot speak. He can only wait.

Jaehyun’s eyes flutter down the length of Doyoung’s face, subconsciously to his lips, and Doyoung knows the answer before he hears it.

“Come here,” Jaehyun says, voice low, and Doyoung has no choice but to obey. Jaehyun takes him into his arms, hand on his waist and another on his neck, and Doyoung cranes his head up.

“Okay,” he says, and leans forward for the kiss.

There are very few things in life which feel right the first time, but Doyoung knows in his chest that kissing Jaehyun is one of them.

It’s like Jaehyun’s mouth was made to kiss, heart on his lips and warmth in his breath. They pull each other closer, sinking into kiss after kiss, until their chests are pressed flat, and yet it’s not close enough. Nothing can make up for lost time, really. But then Doyoung feels more than hears Jaehyun’s gasp when he straddles a leg over Jaehyun’s lap and he thinks this might come pretty close.

“Are you sure?” Jaehyun says, gripping Doyoung by the sides underneath his shirt, skin on skin. Suddenly, all the comments he used to make about Doyoung’s skinny waist are painted in a much different color.

“Jaehyn, I’m twenty-three, not eighteen,” he says, grinding down just to hear that strangled noise come out of Jaehyun’s throat. “Of course I’m sure. Are you?”

Jaehyun flips them over in a flash, Doyoung’s head landing harshly on the pillow.

“I’m sure,” Jaehyun says. “And you’re not going to question that anymore.”

He pulls off his shirt then, showing off that unfairly nice physique which Doyoung drinks in with heavy eyes. His own shirt follows too, allowing Jaehyun to place a kiss over his heart, down his ribcage, lower and lower. Doyoung closes his eyes so he can take what Jaehyun gives him.

“Okay,” he whispers, suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

“Just okay?” Jaehyun asks, smiling almost coyly.

Even like this, he’s insufferable. With his soft hair and pink lips, dimples faint in the dark. Doyoung blinks his eyes open just to send him a half-hearted glare.

“Yeah,” he replies. “Take off your fucking glasses.”

-

The boys had somehow convinced Jaemin’s mother to drive them home. Doyoung comes to this fateful conclusion after Jeno, in his quest to ask for his brother’s home-cooked breakfast, had burst through the door, witnessed the sight of Doyoung and Jaehyun asleep under the same blanket, and promptly shrieked.

“I mean, I kind of knew something was going on?” Jeno said, spewing out crumbs of toast as he talks through his food. “But I didn’t know something was like,  _ going on.” _

Doyoung nearly combusts on the spot, gracelessly serving fresh pancakes onto their plates.

“See if I ever cook for you again,” he mutters, setting down a bowl of blueberries with more force than necessary.

Donghyuck doesn’t really say anything, just smiles purposely, which kind of bothers him until Jaehyun reaches his hand out to hold Doyoung’s under the table.

“Hey,” he says, simple and soft. “I was thinking, when this is all over…”

He trails off with a question, one that doesn’t need to be asked out loud because they’ve both thought about it before, subconsciously or not.  _ What about us? _

“Well,” Doyoung says, squeezing Jaehyun’s hand. “I’m not too sure, but we’ll figure it out.”

And then Jaehyun smiles. Because even he knows, after all these years, that Doyoung is many things and a liar isn’t one of them.

**Author's Note:**

> literally started writing this in june and each scene dragged out so much until it became 12k of complete bullshit lol i moved back in with my parents when the pandemic hit and the idea for this came to me when i was talking to a friend and she was like “yeah everyone’s back it’s like high school summer” and my brain just went [pikachu face]. as always, thank you for reading until the end 💚 and yes, the title was inspired by mark/johnny’s song


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